Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
