you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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