Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
