Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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