My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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