I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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