She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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