I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
