I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
