I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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