Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
