I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize