so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
