three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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