So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
