Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
