Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
