I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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