Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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