I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
