Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
