Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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