My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
