I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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