Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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