I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
is wine microwaveable?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
