just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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