So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
