Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
