he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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