My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
love makes seman taste better
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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