Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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