I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
