they need to just BURY HIM!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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