How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
