doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
