im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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