I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
