Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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