I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
