As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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