There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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