I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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