it's like iHOP with fire
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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