So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
