I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
