I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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