I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
