when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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