We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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