I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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