Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
