Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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