It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
