Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
