well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
