if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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