Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
