maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
