Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Randomize
